Rule 2:

Never let them see you cry.

Dignity has always been important to me. It's the difference between being looked down upon and being respected. Maybe that's why I can seem condescending and cynical at times, but for me, it's better than seeming like a fool. It's not that I don't make a fool of myself sometimes, it's just that there's a certain level I will refuse to go down to because I'm too proud to. Maybe I'm more full of pride than I am dignity. It could be that I'm mixing the two up. Still, there's always that question of respect.

I, today, have lost both my respect and my dignity, if you will.

Today, I was accused of not handing in any homework this semester. As petty and trivial as it seems in light of recent natural disasters, it affected me greatly. First of all, I have handed in my homeworks. Granted, I may have been missing two, but that hardly qualifies as not handing in any homeworks at all. Second of all, to be falsely accused of something made me undignified and angry. Third of all, after that incident occurred, it hit me that my parents have so little faith in me, and they would rather believe someone else over their own daughter. Yes, I know that I have lied occasionally, but I've never done anything that would make them lose all faith in me. I don't cheat, I don't steal, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I don't drink. I come home everyday after school at 4 and start my homework. I go to sleep whenever my mother tells me to. I help my mother whenever she asks me to. So why is it that no one will believe me?

What does this have to do with crying or dignity (or whatever you want to call it)? Being upset, I naturally started crying. I admit, I'm an emotional person and I tend to cry easily when I'm angry. At the time, I was furious and so I started crying rather hard. My mother sees me and accuses me of crying because I'm not allowed to go to junior prom. It's only natural that she lost respect for me because of that. Of course she doesn't realize that I'm crying because this whole situation is ridiculous and I feel wronged. So in her eyes, I have lost my dignity because I started crying. Crying can be conveyed as a sign of weakness.

Honestly, I'm hating life a little right now. I'm scared and I'm upset and I don't know what to do. I don't want to be punished for something that's been exaggerated, where I don't feel like I did anything wrong in. I'm trying to talk to my friends about it, but no one really understands. Well, most of them don't. Most of them don't realize I don't want advice. If i wanted advice, I'll ask for it. I just want someone to listen. But they don't really listen. I'll say something and then they'll just completely ignore it. I know they're just trying to help, but it makes me feel worse in a way, like by giving me advice, they're not really understanding what I need. It's kind of hard to explain, but I feel less respected, like what I have to say isn't important enough because they feel like they have to spout out advice.

I resolve to not cry in front of them though. I don't want them pitying me because then I'll just feel worse about myself. People always say that crying is good because you let out your emotions. But what's the use of crying if people misconstrue that emotion? Instead of being misunderstood, I think I'll just save my tears for somewhere private.

--Edit--

You would think that a day after the incident, things might cool off. I don't know what my mother's agenda is, but if our life ran parallel to Mean Girls, this would be the part where she ruins my reputation by showing everyone the Burn Book. In my case, she is ruining my reputation by telling all her friends about how I'm going down the wrong path in life and all her friends naturally believe her. I have a strong urge to just start badmouthing all of them, I really do, but that would be so petty of me that I can't do it. What right does she have to tell everyone a lie? One thing I'm sure of is that no one will ever look at me the same way again no matter the outcome.

This probably is the wrong approach, but I refuse to grovel and crawl on my knees just to appease these people. I know I'm not in the wrong and if no one will believe me, I'd rather be ripped to shreds by lions with my head held up high then let the people see me cry.